"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."- Plato (427-347 B.C.)
"Sir, I have no objection to a man's drinking wine, if he can do it in moderation. I found myself apt to go to excess in it, and therefore, after having been for some time without it, on account of illness, I thought it better not to return to it. Every man is to judge for himself, according to the effects which he experiences."--Samuel Johnson, J. Boswell "The Life of Samuel Johnson", 1784
"Working with Unix is like wrestling a worthy opponent. Working with windows is like attacking a small whining child who is carrying a .38."-famousquotesandjokes.com
"Sometimes just a few hours of trial and error debugging can save minutes of reading manuals."-famousquotesandjokes.com
"It's a mistake to allow any mechanical object to know you're in a hurry."-famousquotesandjokes.com
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"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."-Abraham Lincoln
"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."-Abraham Lincoln
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."-Abraham Lincoln
"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion."-Abraham Lincoln
"The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again."-Al Goodman
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"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."-Albert Einstein
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."-Albert Einstein
"If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."-Albert Einstein
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."-Albert Einstein
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."-Albert Einstein
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"Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value."-Albert Einstein
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
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"An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex."-Aldous Huxley
"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."-Andy Rooney
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."-Anonymous
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."-Aristotle
"The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play."-Arnold Joseph Toynbee
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"The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as smart as men, but we that will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway."-Bernard Avishai
" Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. "-Bill Cosby
" Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."-Bill Cosby
"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."-Bjarne Stroustrup
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."-Bob Hope
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"If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in."-Bradley's Bromide
"There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult."-C. A. R. Hoare
"If a lot of power in a car is good, then way too much ought to be just about right"-Carroll Shelby
"Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months."-Clifford Stoll
"Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers"-Comedy Zone
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"Don't trust anyone who doesn't trust you"-D. Penn
"Wherever you go, there you are"-D. Penn
"To a young man with a new hammer, the whole world is a nail"-D. Penn
"'Multi-tasking' is just a nice way of saying 'scatterbrained.'"-D. Penn
"The difference between an environmentalist and a developer is that the developer wants to build a house in the woods, and an environmentalist already owns one."-D. Penn
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"Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it that way."-D. Penn
"There is nothing as worthless as one beer."-Dave Willmo
"A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children."-David Brenner
"Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light."-David Ferrier
"Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television."-David Letterman
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"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."-David Letterman
"I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious."-David Letterman
"New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move."-David Letterman
"Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving."-David Letterman
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."-David Letterman
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"The only thing open after ten o'clock is legs."-Dennis Hooten
"You hang out at a barber shop, you gon' get a haircut."-Dennis Hooten
"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."-Dennis Leary
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose."-Dennis Miller
"In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to."-Dennis Miller
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"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."-Dolly Parton
"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!"-Dolly Parton
"Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog."-Doug Larson
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."-Douglas Adams
"First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII ? and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure."-Douglas Noel Adams
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"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows."-Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes"-E W Dijkstra
"There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it hardly behooves any of us
To talk about the rest of us."-Edward Wallis Hoch (1849 - 1925), Marion (Kansas) Record "The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit."-Eric Porterfield "The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony Number 9."-Erwin Dieterich -back to the top of the page- "The biggest reward for a thing well done is to have done it."-Francois Voltaire "TV is chewing gum for the eyes."-Frank Lloyd Wright (1869 - 1959) "Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer."-Fred Brooks "After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood."-Fred Thompson, Speech before the Commonwealth Club of California "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."-Galileo Galilei -back to the top of the page- "Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work."-Gallagher "Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work."-Gallagher "Never complain about that which you permit."-Gary Zuhlsdorf "The present blitz about drugs - I think it looks very much like how we treated insane people 100 years ago -- throw them in the cage - as if that's the whole answer. And it's not the whole answer."-Gene Roddenberry "Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."-George Burns -back to the top of the page- "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."-George Burns "It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."-George Burns "Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."-George Burns "If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer."-George Burns "If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it."-George Burns -back to the top of the page- "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."-George Burns (1896-1996) "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."-George Carlin "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."-George Carlin "Flammable, inflammable - what's the big deal? Either it flams or it don't."-George Carlin "I'm not getting on the plane, I'm getting in the plane!"-George Carlin -back to the top of the page- "We have learned that terrorist attacks are not caused by the use of strength; they are invited by the perception of weakness. And the surest way to avoid attacks on our own people is to engage the enemy where he lives and plans. We are fighting that enemy in Iraq and Afghanistan today so that we do not meet him again on our own streets, in our own cities."-George W. Bush, September 7, 2003 "You know what's interesting about Washington? It's the kind of place where second-guessing has become second nature."-George W. Bush, Speech on May 17, 2002 "Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"-Groucho Marx "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."-Groucho Marx "Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."-Groucho Marx -back to the top of the page- "A man's only as old as the woman he feels."-Groucho Marx "Humor is reason gone mad."-Groucho Marx "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."-H. G. Wells (1866-1946) "I find sitting at a specially equipped desk in front of some pretty ugly plastics and staring at a little window is a very unnatural event."-Harold Hambrose "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."-Henny Youngman -back to the top of the page- "All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men."-Isaac Asimov " The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but 'That's funny...?"-Isaac Asimov "C has all the expressive power of two dixie cups and a string."-Jamie Zawinski "They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction."-Janet Reno "Style used to be an interaction between the human soul and tools that were limiting. In the digital era, it will have to come from the soul alone."-Jaron Lanier -back to the top of the page- "Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked."-Jeff Pesis "There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence."-Jeremy S. Anderson "The last good thing written in C++ was the Pachelbel Canon."-Jerry Olson "In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear."-John C. Dvorak "You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly, too."-John Kenneth Galbraith -back to the top of the page- "A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way."-John Tudor "It is amazing how much can be accomplished if no one cares who gets the credit."-John Wooden "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. "-Johnny Carson "Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. "-Johnny Carson "If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."-Johnny Carson -back to the top of the page- "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. "-Johnny Carson "If Unix is the face of the future I want to go back to quill pens."-Joseph Snipp "To iterate is human, to recurse divine."-L. Peter Deutsch "Any time there's a scandal, we always try and get involved."-Larry Flint, Penthouse publisher "There's nothing that will change someone's moral outlook quicker than cash in large sums."-Larry Flint, Penthouse publisher -back to the top of the page- "The majority rule only works if you're also considering individual rights. Because you can't have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper."-Larry Flint, Penthouse publisher "That's 'Mr. Smut Peddler' to you!"-Larry Flint, Penthouse publisher "Doing linear scans over an associative array is like trying to club someone to death with a loaded Uzi."-Larry Wall "Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers."-Leonard Brandwein "The Linux philosophy is 'Laugh in the face of danger'. Oops. Wrong One. 'Do it yourself'. Yes, that's it."-Linus Torvalds -back to the top of the page- "Microsoft isn't evil, they just make really crappy operating systems."-Linus Torvalds "The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 meters per second per second."-Marcus Dolengo "You can have it done fast, done right, or done cheap. Pick two of the three."-Mark Bosshard "Never mind the chain tool, Gloria. Randall is practicing the manly art of saying ´F&*# it.´"-Mark Bosshard "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."-Max Frisch -back to the top of the page- "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."-Mel Brooks "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."-Mitch Ratcliffe "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."-Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) "There is real magic in enthusiasm. It spells the difference between mediocrity and accomplishment."-Norman Vincent Peale "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."-Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) -back to the top of the page- "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."-Pablo Picasso "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems."-Paul Erdos (1913-1996) "If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it."-Pierre Gallois. "Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand."-Putt's Law "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning"-Rich Cook -back to the top of the page- "Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer."-Rita May Brown "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."-Robert A. Heinlein "If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside."-Robert X.Cringely "Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are."-Robin Williams "They said the Irish saved civilization, drank a couple of Guinness and forgot where they fucking put it."-Robin Williams -back to the top of the page- "Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They've got nothing to lose."-Robin Williams "And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish; yes he was. C'mon, 30 years old, lives with his parents, come on! He takes his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, give it up!"-Robin Williams "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."-Rodney Dangerfield "I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with."-Rodney Dangerfield "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. "-Rodney Dangerfield -back to the top of the page- "If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done."-Scott Adams "Computers shouldn't be unusable. You don't need to know how to work a telephone switch to make a phone call, or how to use the Hoover Dam to take a shower, or how to work a nuclear-power plant to turn on the lights."-Scott McNealy "If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?"-Seymour Cray "If you are going through hell, keep going."-Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) "Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you."-Spanish proverb -back to the top of the page- "A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead."-Stan Laurel "I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image."-Stephen W. Hawking "A horse walks into a bar. The bartenders says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?""-Steve Galivan "Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window."-Steve Wozniak "The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers."-Sydney J. Harris -back to the top of the page- "I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have."-Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) "Anyone who has lost track of time when using a computer knows the propensity to dream, the urge to make dreams come true and the tendency to miss lunch."-Tim Berners-Lee "The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time."-Tom Cargill "There's a reason God gave you two ears and one mouth: so you could listen more than you talk."-Tom Scanlon "Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."-Unknown -back to the top of the page- "Never argue with an idiot; onlookers will be unable to determine which of you is the idiot."-Unknown "The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."-Unknown "Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw."-unknown "The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist."-Unknown "Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out."-Unknown -back to the top of the page- "Dyslexics of the world, untie!"-Unknown "What do we want our kids to do? Sweep up around Japanese computers?"-Walter F. Mondale "Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip."-Will Rogers "Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."-Will Rogers "Nothing you can't spell will ever work."-Will Rogers -back to the top of the page- "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."-Will Rogers "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."-Winston Churchill "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."-Winston Churchill "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."-Winston Churchill "From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put."-Winston Churchill -back to the top of the page- Sites with loads of good quotes: www.goodquotes.com www.comedy-zone.net/quotes funny-quotes.blogspot.com -back to the top of the page-
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it hardly behooves any of us
To talk about the rest of us."-Edward Wallis Hoch (1849 - 1925), Marion (Kansas) Record "The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit."-Eric Porterfield "The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony Number 9."-Erwin Dieterich -back to the top of the page- "The biggest reward for a thing well done is to have done it."-Francois Voltaire "TV is chewing gum for the eyes."-Frank Lloyd Wright (1869 - 1959) "Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer."-Fred Brooks "After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood."-Fred Thompson, Speech before the Commonwealth Club of California "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."-Galileo Galilei -back to the top of the page- "Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work."-Gallagher "Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work."-Gallagher "Never complain about that which you permit."-Gary Zuhlsdorf "The present blitz about drugs - I think it looks very much like how we treated insane people 100 years ago -- throw them in the cage - as if that's the whole answer. And it's not the whole answer."-Gene Roddenberry "Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."-George Burns -back to the top of the page- "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."-George Burns "It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."-George Burns "Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."-George Burns "If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer."-George Burns "If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it."-George Burns -back to the top of the page- "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."-George Burns (1896-1996) "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."-George Carlin "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."-George Carlin "Flammable, inflammable - what's the big deal? Either it flams or it don't."-George Carlin "I'm not getting on the plane, I'm getting in the plane!"-George Carlin -back to the top of the page- "We have learned that terrorist attacks are not caused by the use of strength; they are invited by the perception of weakness. And the surest way to avoid attacks on our own people is to engage the enemy where he lives and plans. We are fighting that enemy in Iraq and Afghanistan today so that we do not meet him again on our own streets, in our own cities."-George W. Bush, September 7, 2003 "You know what's interesting about Washington? It's the kind of place where second-guessing has become second nature."-George W. Bush, Speech on May 17, 2002 "Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"-Groucho Marx "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."-Groucho Marx "Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."-Groucho Marx -back to the top of the page- "A man's only as old as the woman he feels."-Groucho Marx "Humor is reason gone mad."-Groucho Marx "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."-H. G. Wells (1866-1946) "I find sitting at a specially equipped desk in front of some pretty ugly plastics and staring at a little window is a very unnatural event."-Harold Hambrose "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."-Henny Youngman -back to the top of the page- "All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men."-Isaac Asimov " The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but 'That's funny...?"-Isaac Asimov "C has all the expressive power of two dixie cups and a string."-Jamie Zawinski "They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction."-Janet Reno "Style used to be an interaction between the human soul and tools that were limiting. In the digital era, it will have to come from the soul alone."-Jaron Lanier -back to the top of the page- "Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked."-Jeff Pesis "There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence."-Jeremy S. Anderson "The last good thing written in C++ was the Pachelbel Canon."-Jerry Olson "In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear."-John C. Dvorak "You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly, too."-John Kenneth Galbraith -back to the top of the page- "A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way."-John Tudor "It is amazing how much can be accomplished if no one cares who gets the credit."-John Wooden "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. "-Johnny Carson "Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. "-Johnny Carson "If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."-Johnny Carson -back to the top of the page- "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. "-Johnny Carson "If Unix is the face of the future I want to go back to quill pens."-Joseph Snipp "To iterate is human, to recurse divine."-L. Peter Deutsch "Any time there's a scandal, we always try and get involved."-Larry Flint, Penthouse publisher "There's nothing that will change someone's moral outlook quicker than cash in large sums."-Larry Flint, Penthouse publisher -back to the top of the page- "The majority rule only works if you're also considering individual rights. Because you can't have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper."-Larry Flint, Penthouse publisher "That's 'Mr. Smut Peddler' to you!"-Larry Flint, Penthouse publisher "Doing linear scans over an associative array is like trying to club someone to death with a loaded Uzi."-Larry Wall "Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers."-Leonard Brandwein "The Linux philosophy is 'Laugh in the face of danger'. Oops. Wrong One. 'Do it yourself'. Yes, that's it."-Linus Torvalds -back to the top of the page- "Microsoft isn't evil, they just make really crappy operating systems."-Linus Torvalds "The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 meters per second per second."-Marcus Dolengo "You can have it done fast, done right, or done cheap. Pick two of the three."-Mark Bosshard "Never mind the chain tool, Gloria. Randall is practicing the manly art of saying ´F&*# it.´"-Mark Bosshard "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."-Max Frisch -back to the top of the page- "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."-Mel Brooks "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."-Mitch Ratcliffe "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."-Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) "There is real magic in enthusiasm. It spells the difference between mediocrity and accomplishment."-Norman Vincent Peale "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."-Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) -back to the top of the page- "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."-Pablo Picasso "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems."-Paul Erdos (1913-1996) "If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it."-Pierre Gallois. "Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand."-Putt's Law "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning"-Rich Cook -back to the top of the page- "Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer."-Rita May Brown "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."-Robert A. Heinlein "If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside."-Robert X.Cringely "Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are."-Robin Williams "They said the Irish saved civilization, drank a couple of Guinness and forgot where they fucking put it."-Robin Williams -back to the top of the page- "Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They've got nothing to lose."-Robin Williams "And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish; yes he was. C'mon, 30 years old, lives with his parents, come on! He takes his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, give it up!"-Robin Williams "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."-Rodney Dangerfield "I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with."-Rodney Dangerfield "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. "-Rodney Dangerfield -back to the top of the page- "If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done."-Scott Adams "Computers shouldn't be unusable. You don't need to know how to work a telephone switch to make a phone call, or how to use the Hoover Dam to take a shower, or how to work a nuclear-power plant to turn on the lights."-Scott McNealy "If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?"-Seymour Cray "If you are going through hell, keep going."-Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) "Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you."-Spanish proverb -back to the top of the page- "A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead."-Stan Laurel "I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image."-Stephen W. Hawking "A horse walks into a bar. The bartenders says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?""-Steve Galivan "Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window."-Steve Wozniak "The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers."-Sydney J. Harris -back to the top of the page- "I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have."-Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) "Anyone who has lost track of time when using a computer knows the propensity to dream, the urge to make dreams come true and the tendency to miss lunch."-Tim Berners-Lee "The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time."-Tom Cargill "There's a reason God gave you two ears and one mouth: so you could listen more than you talk."-Tom Scanlon "Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."-Unknown -back to the top of the page- "Never argue with an idiot; onlookers will be unable to determine which of you is the idiot."-Unknown "The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."-Unknown "Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw."-unknown "The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist."-Unknown "Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out."-Unknown -back to the top of the page- "Dyslexics of the world, untie!"-Unknown "What do we want our kids to do? Sweep up around Japanese computers?"-Walter F. Mondale "Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip."-Will Rogers "Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."-Will Rogers "Nothing you can't spell will ever work."-Will Rogers -back to the top of the page- "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."-Will Rogers "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."-Winston Churchill "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."-Winston Churchill "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."-Winston Churchill "From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put."-Winston Churchill -back to the top of the page- Sites with loads of good quotes: www.goodquotes.com www.comedy-zone.net/quotes funny-quotes.blogspot.com -back to the top of the page-
